Thoughts on Singleness

elmaddack
Oct 29, 2024
6 min read

I want to start out by saying that singleness is absolutely a gift. It is a unique season with unique freedoms, and it should be treasured for the gifts and blessings that come with it. When you’re single, you have more freedoms that people with partners and kids simply don’t. Especially if you’re single with no pets. There’s virtually nothing stopping you from quitting your job, dropping everything, and moving across the country. You’re free! (I know most of us won’t do that. But still.)

Jesus was single. Paul was single. Paul even encouraged people to be single for the sake of the kingdom, since your time is unhindered by the distractions of other people depending on you.

Singleness is also not necessarily a temporary season. For some people, it is. For many of us, it is coupled with the deep longing for a life partner. But that does not mean it is a season that we must constantly fight to bring to a close. In fact, God’s timing is above all, and he has a lot of work to do in us in our seasons of singleness. As I’ve said before, marriage isn’t just the fulfillment of a desire of your heart. It’s a life mission joined to another person for the glory of God. In the same vein, whatever you do with your singleness should be for the glory of God. No matter what season you’re in, we are all running the race to persevere until the end, and that means we’re running toward God and his will for our lives.

I might be way off base here, but I feel like there are a LOT of single people in the church today. I couldn’t tell you how many people I meet who are absolutely on fire for the Lord, who desire marriage, but who have very little dating experience. This isn’t a bad thing! Just a curious thing.

I’m sure there are many reasons why this might be occurring. I’m sure there are hundreds of podcast episodes I could listen to about it. I’m not here to examine why this is the way things are, but to think about ways we can use this to our advantage.

I think the biggest thing is that we need to plug deeper into community. I’m talking that deep community, the people who do life alongside you, know you well, and call you higher. The iron that sharpens your iron, and vice-versa.

Community is going to be more soul-healing and long-lasting than a significant other. Think about it: putting all of the needs that your community meets onto one person is so much pressure. It’s exhausting and unfair. Would you want that kind of pressure on you?

Nobody can be everything to anyone, but we have such a tendency to make an idol out of marriage as if that relationship is going to solve all of our problems.

“When I’m married, I won’t be lonely.”

“When I’m married, I won’t be anxious.”

“When I’m married, I won’t struggle with lust anymore.”

This is simply untrue.

Marriage does not solve problems (unless you consider singleness a problem, which by all accounts you should not– think of Paul!). Marriage is a pressure cooker that will expose the problems, not only the problems you actively struggle with, but the problems laying dormant deep within you that you didn't know you had. Marriage is a magnifying glass held right up to your worst insecurities. That’s why it's so important to choose a spouse who you know will support you and be a safe space for you as you process through all of these struggles together, and why it’s so important to ensure you can be that person for someone else.

My point being, marriage is not your savior. It is a gift from God, a gift of companionship so that you can both run towards the calling God has placed on your life at full speed alongside someone else. It’s a running partner for the race of life.

That isn’t to say that everyone who is unmarried has to run alone. The beauty of races is that there are so many people going so many different speeds. When you find someone to run alongside for a season, cherish that! What a blessing! You don’t have to have and to hold that person in sickness and in health 'till death do you part, just love and support them while you have your time together. The people you’re running alongside will flux and change over time, and that's okay. We have to trust God with the process.

I know there are so many reasons why many young adults in the church are single. I know this. But one thing we know about God is that he works all things together for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28).

What good can come from a generation of single people in the church?

I ask that question with hope in my heart. Just imagine if we took half the energy we spend on trying to find a significant other and put it towards volunteering. Disaster relief. Taking care of the homeless in our towns. Caring for the least of these the way Christ cares for us. We could have a major impact on the world and be marked as the most servant-hearted generation.

I know it’s hard to imagine not thinking about dating all the time. But the reality is, once we make our requests known to God with prayer and thanksgiving, we’re putting our trust that the outcome is in God’s hands. His timing is above everything, and we can rest in the peace of Christ, which surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:6-7). We can trust that God is a loving father who wants to

provide us with the desires of our hearts, and that every good and perfect gift is from him (James 1:17).

“But Emma, my job! I can’t just take off work!”

Sure, maybe we don’t all have the luxury of being able to go on week-long mission trips every few months. But you have a certain level of flexibility and control with how you spend your days and time, and on judgment day you will give an account for how you stewarded that resource as well. In fact, that may be the leading question: “How did you spend your time?”

I don’t mean to shame you, reader, or make you feel bad. I know we all have extremely busy lives and responsibilities, and I know God is working and doing incredible things through those as well. I just hope to give an alternate suggestion in case this message resonates with anyone who’s been feeling lonely or useless, or like they want to do something more with their time. (The advice: do it! I’ll link to some good resources locally!)

Join a house church. Volunteer on a few different teams at church. Think of something you love to do and find a group of other people who love to do that thing! If you can’t find one, start one! You can do it! Our generation is historically the most lonely and isolated generation thanks to our hyper-independent culture. We have to do the awkward thing of putting ourselves out there and meeting people, and then we have to do the hard thing of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with said people. That is the only way to achieve enriched community.

So anyway, I think this season is actually an invitation to suck the marrow out of life in a way that you can do most effectively when you’re single. We can rest in the knowledge that we have a loving Father who loves to answer our prayers and grant us the desires of our hearts. We pray with supplication and thanksgiving, asking him for the things that we want, and we can rest in the peace that the outcome is in his hands, not ours. So we can all stop trying so hard, and just enjoy the life that he’s given us to live.

Thoughts on Singleness

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